My body is a battlefield...

Musing meditations into the BPS model of Pain...

When you live with chronic pain, but moreso with CRPS; there are going to be times where the pain unfortunately is going to win more battles than you. Because CRPS turns your body into a battlefield. There are times when you can push the enemy back behind its lines, reclaim captured territory. But there is also the times where you are going to have the enemy incursion destroy so much territory that you need to relinquish it forever. It is a war that will be fought by me for the rest of my life. Sure, cures can happen any time, but it is unlikely. After 16 years of unrelenting pain and destruction, I wouldn't know where my limbs are in my sensorimotor cortex if pain and CRPS were to suddenly vanish. I barely know where they are right now. 

It's not that I don't wish for a cure - of course I do! But the chances of it being effective in my case right now are slim to none; an actual cure would always be more effective in the early stages, before the changes become more fixed. A cure may allow someone to not lose so much of their bodies and years of life to the disease. They could live a normal life again. There is no turning back for me, the life I live right now is my "normal life". Even if a cure would work for me, it would take a whole lot of rehabilitation and relearning basic skills before I could even function. Would all that be worth it in my case, just to not have pain? At this stage of the game I cannot, with 100% certainty, agree. 

Laying oneself completely bare...

While I hesitate to tell people, and I shudder to think what my extended family would think of me, probably wouldn't surprise the rest! I never hesitate to experience new things, even if I am afraid - terrified - to do so. I love to have my eyes opened up; living in a profound state of peace and that will never happen while being afraid of what others may think of you. I might not share it with everyone; not because I lie, hide or mislead. I need to be sensitive to the wonderful differences we all have, and I understand that other people are more afraid, or will not understand. That's fine, if they all did, how boring is our world? 

Anniversaries and celebrating how far you've come!

 I always acknowledge my anniversary of my accident, celebrate it even. I know this is hard for some to understand, but i think everyone should have at least one day a year where they look at where they are: where they came from and where they want to be. New Year also works well, birthdays have their own issues! This is how i keep focussed in what i want out of a life i just happen to share with Pain. I was a little overwhelmed by the response from my friends and family - people who have travelled at least some of the journey with me. Some of those people didn't know, which is a good thing. It means that i am living a life worth living. That i am not just KJane in Pane; disabled KJane; helpless, suffering, tortured KJane in Pain. I am KJane the dancer, the artist, the traveller! LIVING... An annoying Pain patient who exceeds expectations; who is extremely hard on herself, suffers no fools, no matter where, or who, they are! I like who i have become, with all my eccentricities and faults. I trust in my own emotional strength to overcome adversity. Everything has a solution if you work hard and think outside the box. This hard perfectionist has learned to embrace imperfection! 

Why blog, why? Maps, Aliens and brains...

I love this age!! I'm very new to blogging, but I always loved reading other people's. I love that it is possible, in today's world. It's a magical medium; where people can write about whatever interests them, getting it out there in the world, sharing the knowledge. I never saw myself as a journalist, nor did I think I had something interesting to blog about. Sure I've always written my journals: travel journals; thoughts and feelings. But I always saw myself writing a book, rather than a blog. 

However of late, I've noticed just what a bore I've become. My long suffering family and friends, always listening to me whinging about my arms, about the pain. There was nothing they could do to change it, and a decade of it meant that they often hear me complaining about the same things. I've become one of those annoying repetitive people always whining about the same stuff. It would become rather boring for them, for me too. For my other friends, I try not to talk about it too much. Partly because I've never been entirely comfortable with what I have. I hate admitting to weakness. They ask me what is wrong with my arms, each explanation comes up short. It's complicated, many different processes at work. When I do go more in depth and detail with the pain and limitations, they end up either not understanding, or shocked... 

So, this seemed the perfect medium. A place to talk about it; what I go through every day. A place to share all the crap, all the funny things and to unwind. To be the "Jane in Pain" and not the Jane of my normal life; where I try very hard to keep it invisible.