Getting my spinal cord stimulator (my neurostim) implanted was possibly one of the most intense experiences of my life. While it was definitely painful, it was a temporary painful experience for a longer-reaching goal. It was an active choice of mine; one that I took complete responsibility in making, enduring, and accepting whatever consequences that arose from it. Come what may - taking responsiblity was a powerful position to be in. Passively undertaking treatments or therapies always made me feel overwhelmed, powerless. I don't care for that at all. Knowing and understanding the risks and life-long consequences gave me the option to decline; but even if the worst did in fact happen (paralysis, damage, infection... the list goes on!), I was prepared to accept it. The gambling risks we take for a greater windfall.
My original intention was to sit down and write the whole experience in a clear and orderly fashion. I even did a series of paintings to illustrate my journey. I wanted to write down exactly what would have helped me make my decision back then (pros and cons, observations etc). I may some other time, but the painting of these moments gave me more to ponder, to explore beyond the factual sequential steps it took. It gave me more questions, more thought waves to surf and ride. It needed its own post beforehand, because its implications are far wider than I imagined when I sat down to sketch out my memories of moments, my self-portrait snapshots from the cheap seats.
